Tonight in the car on the way home from my mom's house, the kids did what they always do, and immediately started bickering.  I told them we were going to play a game on the way home...a game where the only way you could talk was if it was to say something nice.  I started by saying, "I am really glad that Aubrey helps her grandma at church every week"...dead silence followed...it was perhaps going to be the quietest car ride home ever.  But, about half  way there, Aubrey said stop, I reminded them of the rules of the game, and of course got a "but," from Colton...to which I replied, nothing nice ever starts with a "but"...I could feel the frustration emanating from the back seat.  So I took a second turn, saying I was thankful for Colton's help that day encouraging Addy to sit on the potty chair.  Aubrey managed to say she was glad we go to church, and she's glad we have a house, because it would be weird to sleep in the night, then clarifying she meant outside...and once again, the only thing Colton could bring himself to say was, "well you sleep outside when you're camping"...so in the 7 minute car ride home, he could think of nothing to say but something critical...and Kent said nothing at all...

A very important milestone happened today...Addy went potty on the toilet for the very first time!  By this afternoon, she stopped clinging to my neck while she sat there with a death like grip, and learned to relax, and enjoy her skittles as she sat there...and when she went potty, she ran into the bathroom and went all by herself.  Colton and I waited out in the hall until we heard the sweet, sweet sound of a tinkle...music to a mothers ears....So, here's to hoping will have this baby in the bag within the week...because, let's be honest, she is way over due...

My post might just be about to take a dark depressing twist...

Ok, so here's the thing.  In the past few years, I have grown to have a very firm testimony of weekly church attendance.  I know it's where I should be, I know I am happier when I do it...so how come every Sunday it's an internal battle to actually go?  Why do I struggle and have anxiety about just about anything I am actually supposed to do?  Anything I know is actually expected of me becomes a battle, a source of physical discomfort.  This morning with Kent gone, I lost the battle.  I didn't make it to church.  And like everything else lately, I was completely engulfed in guilt.  I eat, and have guilt.  I don't clean the house like I swear I'm going to, I feel guilt.  I missed reading my scriptures and saying my prayers, double the guilt.  And the only thing the guilt leaves me with is a stomach ache and an overwhelming sense of wanting to lay in bed and sleep.  Or read.  Or watching mindless tv...I feel like I only ever get it together for a few days at a time, and then I am drowning in disappointment with myself.  Everyday seems like another day I didn't do what I should have.  I didn't make dinner.  I didn't go visit the people I wanted to.  I didn't do what someone else asked of me.  I am so sick of feeling bad, and guilty, and like a disappointment...and everyday I seem to repeat the same cycle...I thought I was starting to get a grasp on things...I made a pillow, Addy and I did a little shopping, I started to not go back to sleep after I got Colton to school...but as Saturday approached, and I knew I hadn't filled a few responsibilities, and I had to have the 3 kids and I somewhere by a certain time, and then get all of us to church by myself...I just....didn't....and I felt miserable all day...

So I read...and it was an amazingly well written book by my friend Alicia Leppert. I can't even begin to say what an amazing job she did.  Every time I sat down to read again, I felt disconnected to the disappointment in myself, and I am grateful to her for allowing me to read it before it is officially on the market...Emerald City is one of my new favorite books...I think someday I'll be saying, 'I knew her when...'

Ok, enough of my sad story, I'm not even sure why I told it....but I guess in some small way, admitting the guilt that I carry with me like a Siamese twin, feels a little lighter just saying it out loud...as out loud as typing on your blog can be...and hopefully it doesn't bring anyone down...cause then I'd feel guilty about that too...

I'm grateful that a friend recently shared a quote with me in a comment, "try a little harder to be a little better"  I keep that with me always...

Picture...

This weekend Colton and Trenton had their first basketball game...Lisa snapped a few pictures, and got the best she could under the heinous gym lighting...Colton was so into it...I loved it...what I saw of it anyway...when I wasn't removing Addison from the court...

 

Today I wore a red Coke t-shirt, a cerulean blue sweatshirt, a black and white striped scarf and a pair of jeans that are totally unflattering from the backside...and I did this, all the while thinking, 'I've been married for 8 1/2 years now...the gig is up...so what, who cares"

I hate that it is inevitable that my kids will grow up, and hate me, and rebel, I think that I don't love them...and when I think about that last one, I picture myself yelling after them as the storm off to their rooms..."I DO TO LOVE YOU!!!AND DON"T COME OUT UNTIL YOU BELIEVE ME!"  Why am I stressing about this already?...why is almost everything in life so bitter-sweet...at church a few weeks back one of the women said "no matter how hard you try, you can't pray away your children's agency..."  I've been thinking about that a lot...

Kent taught Addy to use a banana as a phone...she wants other people to talk on it too, and Colton said when I was gone for a few minutes she called me on it...that girl warms my heart...

Picture...

Last week, sometime between 10:30 and 11:00 am....that's just how we roll...

Almost forgot, my kiddos up at bluewood today...

So, mostly I'm posting to move that heinous picture of Colton out of immediate eye sight....

I decided tonight that when it comes to actual parenting, I seem to put it off until the ripe age of bribery. Before that, I just rationalize their behavior away...liken me to a crappy babysitter at best...

But man how I love my kids...last night Addy was playing with my phone and Kent said something to her, and she held up her little hand and said "hey, no talka me dad". I thought about it all day, and it still makes me smile...and when Addy and I got home from running errands today and found Colton and Aubrey sitting together playing the wii, just made my heart all a glow...I finally hung my pictures of them back up, and I didn't realize just how much I missed looking at them...I hope I remember moments like running through the parking lot with Addy, playing the game of Life with Colton, and making cookies with Aubs...makes me feel all warm and cozy...

So, I've decided I need to get a hold of my life again. Amy and I were just acknowledging what losers we are by making jokes about how much you can actually get done when you get up at 8 and don't go back to sleep 30 minutes later...All my hard work counting calories and exercising a few months ago has all been for naught...I officially hate getting dressed again...but I so hate the idea of changing my lifestyle...I'm such a loser I actually contemplated having another baby just so I would feel like I'm supposed to look like this...And eat with out guilt...having said that, I decided to pace myself so I might actually succeed. This week, just wake up and stay up, next week get up and do a little exercise...the week after seems like to lofty a goal to set at the moment.

I want to stop wanting everything that costs money and requires power tools that I don't have or know how to use...but mostly, I want to live in a pinterest house, with pinterest clothes, pinterest hair, and cook pinterest food. It doesn't seem like that big a wish...

Picture... Here is a little something I made today, being all productive like, and I used stuff I already had...it's so unlike me, I don't even recognize myself...my pillow is even sewed shut...that's like 2 Christmas miracles wrapped into one...

Testing...

Goodbye snow...the kids will miss you...

A few days ago I could hear the kids fighting through the wall...and when I say 'I could hear the kids', I mean Aubrey.  Colton wouldn't share a ball with her, so she decided to have a full on freak out.  She yelled at him to shut-up, called him stupid and an idiot, said she hated him, so of course, I thought to myself, 'I should totally blog this' cause, you know, who wouldn't want to document and remember for all time that her 5 year old daughter told her 7 year old brother she was going to 'kick him in the nuts' in a fit of rage all over a big yellow ball.  That belongs to the 2 year old.  I can just see it now, 20 years from now, I'll be talking with someone saying, "I always knew she'd be a trucker, she picked up the language at a very early age...it just came so naturally to her..and well, the rest is history..."

On the flip side...when I have been putting Addy to bed, and at various times through out the day, she will tell me, "Mom, ah by me" and then pat the spot next to her...and if she has gotten out of bed, and I tell her to go back she hugs my arm or climbs up on my lap and says "I by you"..my cup runneth over...

Colton has been busy trying to teach Aubrey how to play video games, because he knows his chances of me saying yes to the PS3 double if he asks if they can both play...and of course he spends much of his time knowing everything there ever was or is to know about everything...and he is obsessed with talking about the possibility of school being closed on Monday, no matter how many times I tell him it's not gonna happen.  He makes me nervous that one...I'm afraid he's the kind of person who will have to learn life's hard lessons first hand...

I think I have totally neglected mentioning my 2 new nieces!  3 weeks ago Taryn and Vik had sweet, little Lyla, and Nat and Kev just had their first girl, Jaucilee...from what I've seen, she looks so precious and tiny...it is the saddest thing having her born so far away...I got to snuggle with lil Lyla tonight and get my baby fix...she has the dark hair I always wished my babies would have...but hands down, I think Jaucilee has the most hair by far...So with Lilly, the last 3 babies have been girls...the Sanders boys aren't even gonna know what to do soon.  They are totally outnumbered now...

Picture...

Day 2 of the Snow...

Yesterday, when Aubrey first saw the huge snow drift outside her window she said "holy moly crappa moly"...she never ceases to surprise me with her exclamations...

I spent the better part of yesterday cleaning out the crap that had been dumped in my bedroom just because...and all the bleh paper stuff...then I thought I'd do a little decorating...and after that, as I sat back and looked at my handi-work, I was left wondering, contemplating really, do I like what I've done?  Do I actually like it, or am I just going with it because it's all I have...do I like it because it's cute, or is it just some jedi mind trick I'm playing on myself so I think I like it because it didn't cost me anything...and it's all I have....I'm totally on the fence...and my sisters can't come and tell me what they think because of this poo weather...

Days like these always make me wish I was better at having collections of things, like fabric or scrapbook paper or something...you know the kind of stuff that when you found something cute on pinterest you could think, 'oh, maybe I'll make that today, and it will be so cute and fill my heart with joy' and it would be easy as that because you would walk over to your Mary Poppins closet and pull out the supplies you needed...

I hate getting kids dressed to go out in the snow.  I hate getting kids undressed when they come inside...but I super hate when they want to go back out again....and the only thing I hate more than all of that combined, is having a sister tell me that all her kids, who are pretty much the same ages as mine, got dressed all by themselves... that's like telling your friend on a diet that you eat whatever you want and for some reason you just lose weight....

I think I need to crochet today...but then I'll have to shower, because I don't ever feel like I can craft or bake in my jammies all unfresh-like...and showering would require me to exert some energy...and I just don't how that's gonna work out...

Woe-is-me....I need an upper...like yesterday...

Pictures...

there's a bunch...it was Addy's first time really playing in the snow...

Last at book club, I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks...it felt so good.

Yesterday Aubrey took the Kesha song a verse too far and walked by my singing "..boys tryin' to touch my junk.." I totally butchered the opportunity to explain why she shouldn't sing that, and gave her the ole "Just because, it's not a good thing to say"....looks like I'm gonna have to make her a personal playlist with a pre-approved music selection...

Today, I'm grateful for my family... immediate and extended.  I don't tell any of them often enough how much I love them.  If I was never given anything else in my life, I was still be blessed beyond measure...it's practically a crime to have as many rad cousins as I do...

I spent some time cleaning at the rental house today...apparently I had been living in utter filth...can someone please explain to me how drawers that never had food in them can still be full of crumbs?  I finally had to leave at the point in which the self cleaning oven was burning the top 3 layers of my eye skin off...

So, remember how Aubs was going snow boarding and we were all gonna be at home crying?  She wasn't too far off.  I got up to get Colton ready for school, and thought, 'man it's cold in here'...yeah, like 63 degrees cold!  Our heater wasn't working...the worst...the repair man didn't come until after 1 o'clock...either way, it was the perfect excuse to stay wrapped in my blanket reading all day...and then Aubrey came home..and then a few minutes later Colton came home from school, and the very, very first words out of her mouth..."Colton, I can stay up longer than you can"...and cue the nuh-uh/uh-huh conversation between the 2...

After I got Addy dressed the other day she wrapped her little arms around my neck and said "love you mom" my cup runneth over...

Today I was scouring my email looking for a cookie recipe, and I happened upon a few comments from a freind who's name is Shayla, and it was like finding a hidden Christmas present you'd forgotten about...I don't know how I missed them the first time...but it made my day to find them...

My lofty self aspiration, is to be the person who is open to promptings to help others...I feel like I have heard so many stories lately where some one says, I just thought I should call this person, or stop by, or send a note...and it was exactly the thing that person was in need of...I want to be a person of thoughtful action...
having said that, whenever I think about doing service, I always think of the Friends episode when Joey tells Phoebe there is no such thing as being completely selfless...you know the one where Phoebe hates PBS...

I'm going to go relax with my husband and watch a movie, cause we're friends right now...I'd give him some big compliment, and write about how much I love him, and how we have been getting along so well lately...but that would probably just jinx it...and who wants that...

Picture...

the conversations this little girl has with her toys...priceless...she even does voices...

Addison Sanders-future snow boarder...in her name brand Burton snow suit...

All within ten minutes...

Aubrey put Colton's Mariners hat on backwards and turned to Amy's house and said "Peace out losers!"

Then as she buckled her self up, she said "don't turn the light off yet, cuz I'm a bro"

After she was buckled, she said 'I'm so excited for my trip tomorrow.  I'm going with dad and you guys are gonna be home crying"  and then, just in case I missed it the 2 seconds before, she said "Mom, I'm going snowboarding with dad tomorrow, and you and Colton and Addy and you, are gonna be sittin' home crying"  At that point I told her she was being rude, to which she assured me she was 'just joking!'

On the drive home, the 3 of us girls jammed out pretty hard to Tonight Tonight by Hot Chelle Rae, and then Aubrey asked me to put on P Diddy...Hold the phone, cause I'm pretty sure she should have no idea who that is...turns out she was talking about the Kesha song Tik Tok...she likes to sing "wake up in the morning feeling like p diddy..."

Kill me now....

Every once in awhile, Addy will tell me, 'mom, I want go home"  and I tell her 'we are home!  this is our new house!' and she yells at me 'no!  I don't want dis howse!'

Colton's little friend from school went to Mexico for Christmas, and he brought him back a bracelet with his name on it...seriously, the cutest thing...

So, lately every time I'm trying to reprimand Colton he makes this stupid face where he raises he eyebrows up, makes his eyes all big, and does this weird smile.  I laugh every time, and he somehow defuses his punishment...the other day, I heard him telling someone, can't remember who, that when he's getting in trouble  'I just give my mom "the big eyes" and she starts laughing and I get out of trouble!'   

I don't stand a chance...

Pictures...
(heinous lighting warning)

How can this girl...this sweet sleeping girl, who so desperately wanted a princess bed...

 flip the switch to a ghetto name caller who likes p diddy...

I can't want to un pack anymore

I can't look at Pinterest without being anxious and unhappy with what I have...or start feeling like a mom who does nothing with her kids...

I can't stand to think about how long it's been since I took pictures of my kids

I don't want to potty train Addison

I don't know how to blog anymore...I'm all rusty and such...

I can't stop over analyzing the lesson I taught on Sunday...

My hair is so gray I look 50...

I want so badly to be an organized person...but why does organizing have to add up so fast?..

My new house has hand rails like a hospital has patients... seriously they are everywhere...

I haven't used a computer in what feels like months...

I dropped my iPhone in the toilet...slipped right out of my pocket mid crouch...2 day rice bath later and I'm good to go...

I don't want to be a big fat whiner...looks like we don't always get what we want...

Picture...

Here's a fun little story...Once upon a time, Kent and I decided it would be fun to try some restaurants from Food Networks "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" show.  Last month, we went to Seattle, which is a story unto itself for another day....Our last stop of restaurants was Beth's Cafe...

Now, this cafe was on the show, and it was rated 2nd in the Nation for good big breakfasts on the food network site....We were so stoked...so sure it would be ah-mazing...even when we walked in, and the inside looked like this...

We tried telling ourselves, this is kinda cool...it's different, embrace the change...then when we realized every employee there looked like recovering drug addicts, we still had hopes...throw stereo types out the window right?  Our waitress finally came over...I'm guessing meth was her choice breakfast before coming to work, but whatever...no judgement here...Kent decides to ask her what she would recommend...to which Crazy McCrazy replied..."Bacon.  We have really good bacon."  Short, blunt, to the point...and so weird...but still...optimistic...Kent went with bacon and eggs, and I went with french toast, and of course, bacon.  As we waited for our food, we were entertained by the endless drawings that covered every bloody inch of that place, and the hairy, pierced crew that bustled around us.  Our food came shortly after ordering and we began to dig in...it was ok, nothing to write home about...until.....whatda' ya know...Kent found a hair in his eggs.  I called the fully bearded waiter over to show him...and in the mean time Kent found...hair number 2.  When we told our waiter, much to his astonishment, about the hairs, he repeatedly told us he had no idea how that could have happened...well, he went to check with the kitchen, and while he was gone....ye-heah, I found a hair in my eggs!!!  That brings us up to 3 total, at which point we stopped looking and he took our eggs... and they only halved our ticket...guess they figured the hair only made it's way into half our food...the end...