Positively Undecided

Tonight in the car on the way home from my mom's house, the kids did what they always do, and immediately started bickering.  I told them we were going to play a game on the way home...a game where the only way you could talk was if it was to say something nice.  I started by saying, "I am really glad that Aubrey helps her grandma at church every week"...dead silence followed...it was perhaps going to be the quietest car ride home ever.  But, about half  way there, Aubrey said stop, I reminded them of the rules of the game, and of course got a "but," from Colton...to which I replied, nothing nice ever starts with a "but"...I could feel the frustration emanating from the back seat.  So I took a second turn, saying I was thankful for Colton's help that day encouraging Addy to sit on the potty chair.  Aubrey managed to say she was glad we go to church, and she's glad we have a house, because it would be weird to sleep in the night, then clarifying she meant outside...and once again, the only thing Colton could bring himself to say was, "well you sleep outside when you're camping"...so in the 7 minute car ride home, he could think of nothing to say but something critical...and Kent said nothing at all...

A very important milestone happened today...Addy went potty on the toilet for the very first time!  By this afternoon, she stopped clinging to my neck while she sat there with a death like grip, and learned to relax, and enjoy her skittles as she sat there...and when she went potty, she ran into the bathroom and went all by herself.  Colton and I waited out in the hall until we heard the sweet, sweet sound of a tinkle...music to a mothers ears....So, here's to hoping will have this baby in the bag within the week...because, let's be honest, she is way over due...

My post might just be about to take a dark depressing twist...

Ok, so here's the thing.  In the past few years, I have grown to have a very firm testimony of weekly church attendance.  I know it's where I should be, I know I am happier when I do it...so how come every Sunday it's an internal battle to actually go?  Why do I struggle and have anxiety about just about anything I am actually supposed to do?  Anything I know is actually expected of me becomes a battle, a source of physical discomfort.  This morning with Kent gone, I lost the battle.  I didn't make it to church.  And like everything else lately, I was completely engulfed in guilt.  I eat, and have guilt.  I don't clean the house like I swear I'm going to, I feel guilt.  I missed reading my scriptures and saying my prayers, double the guilt.  And the only thing the guilt leaves me with is a stomach ache and an overwhelming sense of wanting to lay in bed and sleep.  Or read.  Or watching mindless tv...I feel like I only ever get it together for a few days at a time, and then I am drowning in disappointment with myself.  Everyday seems like another day I didn't do what I should have.  I didn't make dinner.  I didn't go visit the people I wanted to.  I didn't do what someone else asked of me.  I am so sick of feeling bad, and guilty, and like a disappointment...and everyday I seem to repeat the same cycle...I thought I was starting to get a grasp on things...I made a pillow, Addy and I did a little shopping, I started to not go back to sleep after I got Colton to school...but as Saturday approached, and I knew I hadn't filled a few responsibilities, and I had to have the 3 kids and I somewhere by a certain time, and then get all of us to church by myself...I just....didn't....and I felt miserable all day...

So I read...and it was an amazingly well written book by my friend Alicia Leppert. I can't even begin to say what an amazing job she did.  Every time I sat down to read again, I felt disconnected to the disappointment in myself, and I am grateful to her for allowing me to read it before it is officially on the market...Emerald City is one of my new favorite books...I think someday I'll be saying, 'I knew her when...'

Ok, enough of my sad story, I'm not even sure why I told it....but I guess in some small way, admitting the guilt that I carry with me like a Siamese twin, feels a little lighter just saying it out loud...as out loud as typing on your blog can be...and hopefully it doesn't bring anyone down...cause then I'd feel guilty about that too...

I'm grateful that a friend recently shared a quote with me in a comment, "try a little harder to be a little better"  I keep that with me always...

Picture...

This weekend Colton and Trenton had their first basketball game...Lisa snapped a few pictures, and got the best she could under the heinous gym lighting...Colton was so into it...I loved it...what I saw of it anyway...when I wasn't removing Addison from the court...