Positively Undecided

I had to teach in Relief Society today.  My lesson didn't go quite how I thought it would, and sometimes I think the hardest part is never having the chance to go back the next day, and say "I forgot this really cool thing!" or "I'm not sure if I really got my point across, this lesson was truly meant to be uplifting"....just little things...corrections, or do overs...what's done is done, and today that was just more than I could handle for some reason.  So I came home and cried.  Not the sobbing kind, the silent hot tears kind, that keep coming back even when you think you've finished....I think the expression "are you ok?" is like the Pavlov bell ringing for tears...

The worst part is, my whole lesson was meant to be on finding happiness and strength and a love for yourself based on knowing your limitless potential because we are literal spirit children of our Heavenly Parents.  I hoped the women would leave feeling better about themselves, and I left feeling like such a failure.  I couldn't help feeling hypocritical...everything seemed to compound, and so I just laid there with Kent, playing phase 10 on my phone, willing myself to stop thinking about it....

On a much brighter note, now that I have concluded my Sin City Reports, I can once again, write about the craziness that is my kids....aka, all the ridiculousness that comes out of Addy's mouth, and a bit about the other two...I mean, I love them all, but somehow Addy seems to be a bit of a show stealer...

Last week, I was taking turns laying with each of the kids at bed time, and Addy was mad about something, so while I was laying with her, she was being a total pill.  After a few minutes I finally told her if she didn't start being nice I was going to get up and lay with someone else...and instead of changing her actions, or asking me to stay, she told me I couldn't have anymore of her blanket...so, with that I said, 'ok.  I'm getting up'...and as I stood, she said "Fine.  I'm tired of you anyway.  I'm not gonna listen to anything you say."  I'm pretty sure her sugar and spice were swapped out with something a lot less sweet...because the next day when I said her and Conley couldn't paint, she sat right next to me and said 'I hate you'...apparently words aren't holding much weight with her, because after she sat in time out, and I asked her to apologize for what she said, she replied 'um, I forgot, what I said again?'

This afternoon the kids were playing, and I was still laying in my bed, which meant it was probably more evening that afternoon, Aubrey came in crying.  I have been trying to be more aware of my kids feelings, and taking the time to give comfort when needed, give them validation in hopes of diminishing some of their frustration...she came and laid down, and I wrapped my arms around her, and asked what happened...Addy had pulled her bun out, to which I had to stifle a laugh when I checked out her hair, and Colton was only being nice to Addy and not her.  My very first thought was, 'she should really talk to Amy'..it was super middle child, and it made me so sad.  It's just been recently that I think she is really noticing the difference in the way Colton talks and treats both of them.  Colton and Aubs fight almost constantly, and it feels like their soul purpose in life is to bug each other. I talked to her a little bit, and we just laid there together cuddling...and though I am sad she was feeling so down, I was grateful for the opportunity to just sit with her for awhile...

I am so exhausted....

Tonight we spent some time with Kent's family.  His extended Sanders family.  After my mini breakdown, I wasn't feeling up to going, so we kept putting it off, and I almost didn't go.  But at the last minute I knew I should pull up my big girl  shorts and just do it.  And I'm glad I did.  I had such a nice time visiting with everyone.  And when Colton said 'we were supposed to be leaving like an hour ago', it was a flashback to my childhood...he might as well have called me Karen....on the drive home, I told Kent I was glad I went and he told me he was glad I went too, that if I wouldn't have gone he would have been there without his other half...and that statement in and of itself, made going all the more worth it...

Also on the ride home was fighting about arm rests, and Addy telling me she is going to get me golden shoes for my birthday.  She also said she knew what I wanted for Christmas, and that was for her to stop using 'yutty wuds'-yucky words.  I told her I would love that for Christmas, then she asked if I know why she uses yutty wuds...she had two reasons, but right now in my fatigued state of mind I can only remember one, and that was because I always keep telling her it's not a stool(school) day yet...

Pictures....

First day of school...she's already had a girl be rude to her on the bus...mean kids are the worst...so is a house with craptastic lighting...the flash on the chalk board is driving me nuts...and so is the color difference on the pics...but I think she's pretty freakin cute!

Colton was killing me when I wanted to take his picture.  His dad has taught him well when it comes to the love and affection one must have with his Jordans...when I told Colton I wanted to take his picture outside too, his reply was "Not on the grass!"  Holy wow.  What would it be like to be a nine year old boy that won't put his shoes in the grass...